If you’re looking for a really interesting study of heteronormative relationships, watch . (Top-line summary: engaged couple move into separate houses while the groom, along with some of his mates, plots a wedding that will absolutely horrify the woman he plans to marry.)
I know it’s a ridiculous reality show where everything is heightened for our entertainment, but there’s still a kernel of truth to it all that makes me want to grab the couple and ask them: “How much do you actually know about one another? What do you like about one another? Are you mates? Do you have conversations? Do you respect each other?”
When writer and director Dominic Savage and I were making , the new instalment of his series that explores issues surrounding modern life, relationships and womanhood, I thought about a lot (I like to think of myself as a very “high-low” person). I play the title character, Helen, partner of Steve, played by the brilliant Joe Cole. They have been together, seemingly happily, for five years, when – slowly and then suddenly – it becomes apparent they don’t know each other at all. Steve is increasingly watching porn, his behaviour becoming more and more volatile towards Helen, a quietly ambitious woman, who dreams of owning her own business more than she does of being married and a mother. Steve, meanwhile, wants something more “traditional”: a wife and a child, but also a woman who does what he wants in the bedroom. As Steve’s frustration begins to give way to violence, it is clear to Helen that she needs to find a way out.
Months ago, when the programme was announced, the press ran with the idea that this was a show about the manosphere. That was never actually the intention when we started working on it, but making is an unusual process. Dominic approached me with the idea of a story, but there’s no rehearsal and no dialogue in the script – all the dialogue is improvised. I was terrified. There were days and days of footage we didn’t use, so when I watched it back and saw it all pieced together, I’m sort of glad that Steve is more of a nuanced character than he could have been and was initially intended to be, which makes it more challenging to watch. He is not evil. He loves Helen and does sweet things for her, but that does not mean his actions are OK. I hope the show will prompt conversations about those really dangerous grey areas that we inhabit and how sexual assault can – and does – happen within relationships all the time, including within couples who have been together for five years and think they know one another.
is released in a year when we’re reeling from monstrous, and numerous, highly publicised sexual assault cases, when comedians are still making jokes about, and at the expense of, women. The latter feels deeply weak but also deeply troubling, and you can’t help wondering how we got to this point. There are a million reasons but to me, it is a sad, inevitable backlash to women being vocal feminists. I think a lot of men feel really useless and it scares them to live in a world where women maybe a boyfriend, but they don’t a boyfriend. Even if we’re told otherwise, it is not a thing of the past that men are still really threatened by successful women (when I meet someone who isn’t, it’s such a relief). And that exists across the board – it’s not just right-wing men. You can be the most left-leaning, open-minded, feminist guy and still have a problem with a successful woman. I think that’s a discussion that needs to be had.
It was important to me that there was a positive element to the show, for there to be a window of light – I would never just want to make something about someone who is a victim. I want people to watch this and – if they see themselves in it – to be able to go, “OK, there’s actually a way out of this. Life is not set in stone. There are things that can be done. It is possible to get out of difficult situations.”
Being alone, I think, is so much better than being in a bad relationship, although there might be a lot of pressure to stay. Women really know how to take care of themselves. Just because something’s familiar, doesn’t mean it’s safe. It can be very easy for any of us to get stuck in unhealthy situations. But, in my experience, a good partner is someone who is your cheerleader, who respects you. Someone who makes you feel as though you can achieve anything.
I Am Helen is on Channel 4 from 16 November
